please...

ok...so i dont know if the problem is with me...or i am overthinking...but everytime, someone close to me is not doing so fine...i would like to go out of my way to make him/her smile...

however, why do i feel that everytime something is wrong, then he/she makes me feel like a complete stranger...why???? aren't friends suppose to share stuff and help each other...50% of the time, the issue gets worst because its not discussed leading to a misunderstanding...

why is that i am only needed at his/her happy times and not during his/her sad days...

i am trying really really really hard to be as soft and understanding to someone... yet...he/she just makes me feel like a complete stranger...

i dont know what to do...or am i just overeacting?

Bihu Celebrations

So two days back, the assamese people around the area celebrated Bihu. It was my first time attending such a function here in the area. God knows why I did not go earlier in the past 3 years!

Anyways, the gathering started from 5pm to 10pm in a convention center 20 miles from where I lived. I got ready around 530pm and left home. Reached the place at around 6pm. Initially, I was feeling really really uncomfortable. I mean, I didn't know anyone at all. And everyone was talking amongst themselves. Slowly, I started to introduce myself and start talking. It was nice since everyone was quite friendly. In a few minutes, thereafter, I get a phone call. I picked up and the person on the other end of the line said, "A****, moi O******, tumi kot aasa?". I told her I was near the entrance.

Immediately after we hung up, we saw each other. She came to me and started talking. Finally, thank God I had some company. :) She was nice. She then introduced me to her sister and brother in-law. I also met R***** and her husband. It was nice. Suddenly I had come to realize that many of the married couples were of my age group. That was strange!

O***** spent majority of her time with me during the programme. Well, perhaps, because we were the only people of our age group. It did feel strange because, it felt like people around were thinking of us as a prospective couple!

Btw, talking about prospectives! O Gosh!!!! I don't know what was wrong with everyone. Everyone, I talked to, seemed to have looked at me in "that sense". That sense as in "an eligible bachelor". That did make me feel conscious being with O***** because I didn't know how other people looked at us. Though I must admit I was really flattered with all the attention I was getting. :)

The cultural programme was ok. The 'husorie' was great though. Food, well, that was a major disappointment. I was hoping for some really good Indian food. But the food was really bland. They didnt even have chicken (had mutton). What the hell!!!!

On the whole, I did enjoy the celebrations. It was def. nice to meet people of my own community.

May God be with you both!

a friend of mine has just left for an endeavor...an endeavor which perhaps has answers he has been looking for..i dont know what the outcome would be...i dont know why all this happened when it shouldnt have... and now that it has happened, it seems like no one can do anything...

all i want to say is Good Luck to Him! My wishes are always there for him and I hope he succeeds...and to her...May God be with her...whatever happens happens for the best!

to end, I would like to share two quotes with you all,

“When it comes to the future, there are three kinds of people: those who let it happen, those who make it happen, and those who wonder what happened.” - Which kind are you?

“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.”

As the clock strikes 12!

25 years ago, a dear friend of mine was welcomed by this world...well...this friend of mine is really sweet and she's beautiful, and beautiful even more as a person... i am so glad to have got in touch with her since our school days ...

Happy Birthday! Wish her many happiness in the following years. I hope she gets what she desires... the coming years would be very crucial for her and I wish her all the best!

जन्मदिन मुबारक हो |

Love n Hugs !

PS: Do remember that the birthday is as special to the mother as it is to the child...so spend ample time with ma on your birthday:)

Aadat...

don't know how but i just came across this video and that led me to think about my past two years...so much has happened...so much...that now i just feel numb...aadat si pad gayi thi with the way things were...

enjoy the video...

A 'Best' Friend

well, off late i have been thinking a lot about the ideal girl i would like to be with... certainly it is a long list :) but one thing i realized is that i would want to be with the person who is my best friend! As much as it is obvious, i still want to emphasize this fact. I have seen many relationships where the basic friendship did not even exist!... I would want to be with someone, who I can share everything with and vice-versa too...

I want the relationship with that special person to be such that we are literally 'one' and live each other's lives.... i want our problems to be discussed with ourselves...i want her to be completely herself and free with me...i want her to want me during her good and bad times...and i want her to be possesive about me... i truely want a best friend...

i dont know why i am writing this...perhaps to send a message across to someone...

It's just those small things...

well...i realized, it really does not take much for someone to touch my heart or piss me off really bad!... its just those small things tht affect me positively or negatively...one does not even need to do something real big!

for example, a friend of mine was upset and she mentioned tht she really wished i was around...ok...so to someone this might just be a mere statement... but to me.... it was something special and something that touched my heart... i guess the crux was in the fact that i was wanted by someone!...

Perhaps, so much has happened in my life previously that I just feel like crap..unwanted..etc.etc in the recent times...and then when someone else shows my importance in their lives...i ought to feel special...

on a different note...whats wrong with California weather!!!???? I wake up in the morning...and i see its a nice bright sunny day....i was all set to go to the gym with my shorts and tshirt.... Only God knew that a wind chill of freezing temperature was awaiting me at my door step!...as i stepped out...i was freezing!!!! God only knows how i reached the Gym from my home on my bike with the chilling wind(at perhaps close to 80-100 Kmph) against me...

Why???

A day or two back, a friend of mine told me about this incident where her best friend's boyfriend passed away...hearing that kept me disturbed for a while...

i dont know why God decides to bring so much sorrow to some of the nice people of this world...and why did it have to happen to her...it is reminding me of another sad case... a friend of mine who lost his entire family in a car accident... i mean that guy was such a nice person..he was so nice, humble...an absolute gentleman...and yet, the worst happened to him!....WHY???

sometimes i just feel that the bad things are only happening to the nicest people of this world and the evil ones just go free... it just makes u lose faith in everything...

my only question to God is why did it have to happen to my friend or my friend's bestfriend?

A Story

So I am going to tell you a true story. A story from which many lessons could be learnt....

So I have this uncle in M****. He had a beautiful family with two kids. Everything was perfect till one day, he realized that his wife had cancer. This happened quite recently and they were in their early stage of their married life. God only knows why this had to happen to them. He is such a nice person. The girl and boy are so cute.

Anyways, the cancer was not treatable. Two years ago, auntie passed away leaving behind uncle and the two children.

We often crib about things we have lost, be it in our personal lives, or be it in our daily lives. Seeing what uncle has gone through has helped me gain courage, to accept the things we cannot change. I so often crib about my past. As if my life would not function without them. However, knowing about him makes me feel that my sorrows were NOTHING compared to his.

Anyways, that was not end of story. Few months later, he met this another girl. Infact, the strange part was, that the girl was a widow and infact he and his wife were family friends with her and her husband. Now, he lost his wife and she lost her husband. They perhaps became closer due to the common sorrows they had. uncle finally proposed her for marriage, to which, she did agree. They got married last year and are happy with each other since then.

I met them this time I went home. She is very nice and takes real good care of the children. And uncle takes real good care of her.

At first instant, people may find it strange about the whole situation. However, looking deeper, I really admire uncle and his new wife. They are both really young(in their early to mid thirties). Some really really unfortunate events happened in each of their lives. But they did not let that hamper the rest of their lives. They moved on to live strongly and more happily leaving behind the past.

Sometimes, I get stuck up with my past. But seeing uncle gives me a hope and strength to move ahead. My situation is NO WAY close to what uncle underwent. Its one thing when you loose a girlfriend(i dont like tht term somehow) and its another thing when you loose a person whose children you father.

In the past few days a lot of things happened.So much has happened with me. Perhaps a rediscovery of myself, a hope for the future, a future perhaps worth living for...

is it wrong for me to seek out for a friend?

is it wrong???? why is it that when i really really genuinely try to extend my hand for friendship...i always end up getting hurt!...is it wrong to want to be close to someone? is it wrong for me to want to share my sorrows and happiness with someone? is it my fault that i had a past?!.

and my past...F@#$% THAT! it has done enough of havoc in my life! im just so completely mad today!!!! i dont know at what..at whom...

i think its best to keep no expectations from anyone!!!! all i have wanted right now is a friend! thts it!!!! and everytime i think i have found one...my past comes in between!!!!! seriously....

i hate this world!!!

A Morale Boost!

So have you ever felt how it is when you are at your lowest in regards to your morale and then suddenly, this person just makes you realize the potential you have...well..aise kuch similar hi hua aaj....

you all know my state of affairs on the personal front... its been quite depressing and sometimes i felt the problem was in me! Today...the adorable one spoke about me...and in a fashion perhaps no one ever spoke or thought about in recent times..it was such a boost.....its a great feeling u know...sometimes i feel thoda zyada hi bol diya usne!....par khair...im enjoying the moment :) ..... the only fear is tht with such high expectations, i hope i dont disappoint anyone....

The Morning Walk

Today, I had gotten up early...at 6:30am! So many things were in my mind. I was thinking of sleeping more but then tossing and turning does not help!

So I decided to go for a morning walk! So got up from bed, took my jacket and went out! And let me tell you, it made me feel so so much better. There is something unique about mornings!... The birds humming to their tunes, the quietness around you, it was just so pristine. And to add to the beauty, the mornings are so similar to how it is in India!!!! Normally, the afternoons and evenings are very much less noisy than how it is in India and so I feel the difference but mornings seem just so alike. The only thing missing was garam garam Chai! Walked to Starbucks and grabbed a coffee. So many things came to my mind while walking...a recap of my life...a recap of my present and a hope for my future....

Chatted with the adorable one after that. I hope shes ok. Its been really stressful for her. But I hope and pray that everything would work out best for her. :)

God help me!

Ok...so today has been a crazy crazy day!!!!
i have never thought whtever happened would happen...

u all know about my past relationship and how i have been struggling to get out of it! today, i have come to a realization that another beautiful relationship could evolve between someone and me....

so..then wts the problem? the problem is in me!....the problem is that i cant f!@#$%^ get over my past and move on!!!!...o gosh..its so damn frustrating...

remember i said i wanted to be in love again..i wanted to pour out my love to someone....God seems to have given me the perfect chance and it seems like im going to screw it really badly!...

I dont know wt to do...sometimes, i feel like just forgeting my past and expressing my love to her..shes so nice...shes so adorable..and shes my childhood crush... but im apprehensive...i dont know about what...perhaps the distance, perhaps the surety of the other person.... i dont want to be hurt again and dont want to hurt someone else too....

i know that my uncertainty could def. make me lose her someday... im such an idiot!...jab kisi ko advice deni hain toh i am like fultu advising par when it comes to me, i dont follow any of them!!!!

April 3rd, 2009

Yea, I know, today is April 3rd. Dont know what to feel....its her birthday today!...
for the past few years...this date used to be very special to me....and now, i dont know what to say....i did not wish her this time... every birthday, she would be eagerly waiting for my birthday surprise.... i wonder how is it this time? i wonder if shes even thinking of me...

About me!

Last few days have been quite hectic so was not able to post anything. Wanted to publish this one since my first post... Well..isnt it funny that my first post was all about anonimity and now I am telling about myself....lol...:)?

So who am I? Where am I from? Well ...I was born in India to one of the most beautiful parents in this world....grew up in the Middleeast...and am now in the US pursuing my PhD....
I am in my 20s and have been closely associated to the following places....Guwahati, Delhi, Muscat, Singapore, London and US...

My passions? Oh..i have many.......from sports to music...i love to engage myself in the following ..cricket, badminton, table tennis, squash, swimming, chess.....wished i could do better in football and basketball but never was as good as i wanted to be...

on the music side....i started playing the tabla since 3 yrs old and then picked up the guitar since 10 yrs....now am in love with my guitar and every now and then, strum it whenever im bored (which is so very often).... have tried to pick up on the piano too off late....

though a PhD student, I am NOT a nerd!!!!!.... infact...often times, i engage myself in many things except research :)..... one of my dreams (i have many) is to produce and direct a movie...i have been thinking of a script off-late and lets see how it goes....the script would revolve about my life experiences...

ok...so thts me...a PhD student in enginnering with passion in sports and music with an interest in film production! :) ....any girls reading this interested in me? lol!!!!

on the social side, i love having people around me (perhaps thts a usual trait of a libran).....would want to go out of my way to make someone smile....cant stand tears in anyone's eyes....and HATE people with egos(with exceptions) and double standards...

I have been quite unlucky regarding friendships....when I came to S******....I had met these people (about 5 of us)...everything seemed to go perfect for the first year after which people started having ego clash(A.S. with T.M.) within the group and everything just went wrong miserably!
Then a school friend of mine joined S***** and she, I and A.S., started to hang out. This was my second yr...things seemed ok too but again things started to act weird between she and A.S. And all of a sudden after the summer of 2008, she completely stopped talking to me ....its soo weird and till date i haveeee nooo freaking idea of her behaviour.... At one point of time, she used to say that she was so lucky and thankful to have friends like me and then one fine day she completely shuns herself from me!...Weird!!! And sometimes I feel that the reason for this is the fact that I am still friends with A.S. I mean, both she and A.S. were good friends with me and because they have problems between themselves, I can't compromize my relationships with either! I have always realized that in my two years at S*****, I seemed to have lost out on every friendship because of issues that was not even related to me or involved me...people here have so much egos!!!!!! I just completely hate it!.....
This year, for my quals, I had started to study with 4 people, K.B., S.A., G.T. and S.S (my roommate).... they seem to be very different people from the earlier ones I met...and our daily study routines led us to come really close to each other....i really enjoy their company but i have this apprehension and fear of losing them too....i hope that the friendships remains forever.... Btw..A.S. is still my dear friend and he is one person who continued to be my friend since 2 yrs...
Well, its kinda sad that many of my good friends are outside S******....a lot of them are in India.....infact, a childhood classmate of mine is in Delhi....we had lost touch after she left from M***** but offlate, we got back in touch and shes really adorable :).... she is one person i wished was at Stanford.... its funny coz we never spoke much when we were classmates and now, that we are miles apart, we have developed this good friendship....

on the personal front...well, i guess i can write a book on this!!! perhaps will talk about this in detail on a later post but in short....in 2002, i met this girl who went on to becoming my best friend! and sooner, we realized that we were made for each other for life! in 2003..things all become official :) and life was really really really beautiful till the year 2007..both our parents knew about us..i was really involved in their family....in 2007, she broke my heart coz she was not sure of things...i was completely devasted!.it wasnt tht everything was nice and on one fine day she comes and asks me for a break up...we did have out rough patch in the beginning of 2007 but i strongly feel that those were no reasons to ask for a break up...since 2007, my life has being miserable....its been 2 yrs since then....im trying to heal but am unable to do so...am trying to get over my past but the past always comes and haunts me....and to make things worst, my ma wants me to get settled soon!!... there are so many other NICE girls i have known par still!..im such a fool!.. sometimes I feel that I can get over my past only if I find someone else but it would be unfair for that girl who i would be dating....i just wish i can find someone who can help me out of this mess....i want to be in love again!...i want to pour out my love to someone!...Love, though can be one of the most dangerous things, is the MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED!

well..i guess enough for today....gt catch up with sleep!